Toddler Mullets

My toddler has a mullet. I've been mulling the mullet, should I cut it? Everyone in the midwest thinks he's a girl. Toddler boys look cute with mullets. I think all toddlers should have mullets. Long stringy hair is yuck, but a little mullet on a little boy is cute.... no?

Anyway, read more,

toddler mullets

Babies Online Blog

The Babies Online Blog is a superduper blog written by a group of moms, Brit included. Here's some of my posts.

Mothers vs. Grandmothers

Dancing With The Stars’ Marissa Jaret Winokur Expecting a Baby via Surrogate

Excited about Summer Swimming? Cold Water Warning

Aww, what a cute little girl!

Unhappy Cows: The Hormones in Milk Controversy

The Rise of the Work-at-Home-Mom

Product Review: Angelcare BebeSounds Nursery Monitor

Words Toddler knows

Toddler's favorite words include,

Buggeration
Muckpot
Vindaloo
Bossyboots

Why doesn't he know words like Monet and Chivalrous and Soufle?

Bed

Due to living in a 3x4 foot one bedroom apartment we have a lot of stuff squashed into a small space. Including two mattresses and one bed. Not counting cot. Bed was big pile of mattresses (a la princess and the pea) and Toddler could climb onto it and often fall off. We have tres chic and tres hard wood floors and obviously this is not ideal.

Me in all my wisdom attempted to do something about this today, in presence of Toddler. Pushed mattress 1 off bed, pushed mattress 2 off bed. Todder is intrigiued. Get screwdriver to take slats off. Toddler wants to help. Get slats off. Per-lank! says Toddler. Where do they get words you have never said to them from?

(Aside. Toddler pulled M key off keyboard. Couldn't get it back on properly. Have to wack it quite hard to make it type. So apologies for missing M's)

Get slats off. Attempt to remove Todder far enough from mattresses but not too far so I can still see him and plonk mattress 2 in the space beneath the bed i.e. resting on the floor. Toddler wails that I have removed him from this interesting peril. Try to get mattress in space. Doesn't fit. Bugger. Toddler learns new word. Get allen keys to take pokey-out brackets off bed. Toddler wants to help. Toddler plays with allen key set. Try to get bloody mattress out and in properly. Toddler WANTS TO HELP. No he CAN'T. Toddler wails. Get mattress out and in resting on the floor. Put other mattress on top.

Now bed is only about 14 inches off the floor instead of 22 and Toddler will still try valiantly to fall off but hopefully won't hurt himself as much.

Note to me. Don't do anything like this again with Toddler around.

Tampax

Toddler is fascinated by tampax. He found a box while briviting in the bathroom. He started getting them out with an expression of wonder. what are these fascinating things?

Then he saw me use one. (other moms, you've done this too. having toddler in bathroom is preferable to toddler attempting to pull tv down on their heads which is what they'll do if you lock them out. And anyway, they were born from there and anyway anyway they won't remember. It won't scar him for life.) Wot dat? he said. Urm. I said. They are for ladies, I said.

Toddler thinks.

Lady bum wipe! he says.

And toddles off, hopefully not scarred for life and also hopefully not going to be loudly recounting the experience next time we are in the supermarket and walk past the lady bum wipe aisle.

Anyway anyway anyway, to make this relavent to the blog theme, a box of tampax is an excellent diversion to keep Toddler busy when i need to pluck my eyebrows or put my contacts in or worry about my wrinkles and why the hell do i still get spots at my ancient age (almost bloody 30...) A few destroyed tampons is way cheaper than an eyebrow wax.

Inventory of Toddler's Toy Box

Toddler's toys live in boxes under a table. A sample box contains

Pair of shorts, car transporter print
Small padlock
Disembodied head of squeaky turtle dog toy
Approximately $3.54 in small change
Small toy furry banana
The notepad I make shopping lists on
Various matchbox cars
A rubber duck
A battery-operated twirly milk frother thing
All of the plastic firemen from toy firetruck. (firetruck is MIA)

Guess what list isn't going to be copied as the "Best Toys For Toddlers" next Christmas?

Ikea

Took Toddler to Ikea to while away 3 hours.

Our dog is getting boarded soon. Was recommended a kennel so called up, to be told dog must be 'interviewed' before she could be boarded. Had vision of dog being sat on metal chair, lights pointed at her, and being quizzed on Alexander Pope, capital cities of the world, finer points of french cuisine etc but actually is to see how she gets on with other dogs.

Kennel is 20 miles from house, and right next door to Ikea. So drop off dog, and push off to Ikea for duration of interview.

Toddler ecstatic. Go up and down escalator several times. Past the restaurant (Mac Deeze! he shouted, seeing the poster with Mac & Cheese on it) and into the store.

Remembering recent incidents at Pier 1 and local Poshe Gifte Shoppe, I hold his hand and give Toddler prep talk. Don't touch anything china, or glass, or electrical. Do you understand? Toddler gives me the silent look which says "Yes, of course I understand. I can't give you any guarantees of compliance. Now let me go".

Toddler slightly intimidated by the sheer number of couches, but soon warms up and romps around the showroom. I give chase. This is how moms do cardio! Receive comradely looks from other moms with small children, and disapproving looks from childless people.

Past the restaurant poster again (Mac Deese! Mac Deezeeeee!) and end up in the children's section. Toddler finds noisy pull toy and runs off with it, clack clack clack through kitchens and shelving and bathrooms. Receive a particularly disapproving look from a beautifully groomed pregnant woman. Do you think your child won't do this, lady? You are for a shock.

Return Toddler and offending clacking object (it could be a fish, an duck or a turtle. Ikea, especially cheapo Ikea, tends to be a bit abstract) to children's section. A gang of small children are spinning another child on a spinny chair. Spun child is squealing with glee. Toddler shouts Spnny! Spinny! and joins in with the gang. Mob mentality obviously starts young. Mothers of spinning children are chatting and one is knitting, cleverly having Mom down time in someone else's place.

Mother of spun child turns around from browsing. Plucks darling angel child from evil children and stalks off, presumably to buy something beige. Child wails. Other mothers attempt to look contrite, then return to nattering or knitting. Children fight over who gets spun next. Toddler dislikes conflict and wanders off to look at the poster with Mac & Cheese on it.

Are you hungry? I ask. Yeah! Says Toddler. Mac Deeeeeeze! You'd think he wanted some, really, you would, wouldn't you? I buy him a plate of yellow goo and me some coffee. Toddler takes bite of goo. Pulls revolted face. Wants to leave. Sigh. Try another bite, please? Toddler attempts another but ejects goo. Make Toddler sit with pile of napkins to shread (sorry planet) so I can drink coffee.

Almost time to go and collect dog. Tempt Toddler with down elevator. Toddler presses call button. Elevator arrives, get in, Toddler immediatly attempts to press Alarm button. Alright, I know why they are red. But come on, could elevator companies make them a little less attractive to small people? Or maybe have some even more attractive flashy glittery buttons that only skip a track on the elevator music CD instead of calling the fire brigade?

Despite saying I-will-not-buy-anything three times before I walked in, we have a toddler baking set, some marker pens and a frog sippy cup, thus we must queue for the checkout. I am explaining why we have to leave this place of wonder and delight. We have to collect the dog, I say, in normal speaking voice. WOOF! shouts Toddler, at the top of his lungs. The poor lady in front of us jumps out of her skin.

We pay, decimate the cookie sample tray in the Swedish lard bucket shop, and leave without further incident.

Dog passed her interview. A sucessful morning all round, I'd say.